The Mind, Emotions, and Intimacy: How Your Thoughts Affect Your Desire

On the surface, they seemed like the perfect couple. They had much in common and seemed very loving and supportive, despite the many difficulties they had faced together. And the sex… it was always good, especially after they discovered ways to spice things up, ensuring they both felt satisfied in the bedroom.  Beneath the surface and behind closed doors, however, the fire was burning out. Sex became an inconvenient duty; she no longer desired it, and he pushed too hard. The act itself no longer had anything to do with love or passion. It was purely physical, and only an occasional occurrence. She avoided intimacy with him as much as possible, and later, she would discover that she was easily turned on by a new partner, despite such difficulties with her now ex. If the sex was so good, what went wrong?

It’s Not Just About Good Sex

It does not matter how good things feel in the bedroom. Sure, it’s not always difficult to hop into bed and enjoy the physical aspect of sex without much thought or emotion. People do it every day. However, intimacy is an important aspect of a strong relationship. This includes communication, friendship, affection, emotions, passion, attraction, and love. These things enhance the sexual aspect of a relationship, and if any one of these elements is missing, the intimacy in the relationship will dwindle or cease to exist. If the intimacy dies, the relationship could be in trouble.

Where is the Love?

Contrary to fairly tale ideals, falling in love is not a guarantee of eternal love. Yes, you can love someone unconditionally, with all of your heart, and still find yourself eventually falling out of love. This is not to say that couples should not attempt to work through their troubles, disagreements, or petty squabbles. However, it takes two to make a relationship work, and if one partner is not giving it their utmost effort, the other is sure to become disillusioned and unhappy in the relationship. This is because the mind and emotions affect the way in which we relate to our experiences and to other people, especially our partners. Changes in personality, actions, or inactions, can very well dictate our thoughts and emotional responses, making or breaking feelings of intimacy and love. Without these feelings, it is difficult to spend time with your significant other, let alone find the desire to have sex. The brain controls those desires and responses, and if you’re just not feeling it in your mind, you’re probably not going to feel it in your body either.

In the example given above, the wife was suffering from health problems and major stress. The husband did nothing to alleviate these problems, as he was so wrapped up in himself and his own problems that he showed little support or understanding. He caused much of the stress by refusing to seek help for his troubles and using them as an excuse for his actions and inactions. He became abusive in every way possible, thought this was unintentional. After a while, his wife realized that this could not continue. The stress was going to kill her, and she loathed the sight of him. Because these were the thoughts in her mind, it did not matter that he was attractive or that the sex was good. Without feelings of love and intimacy, good sex simply left her feeling empty. She lost all sexual desire, and even found his advances insulting rather than flattering.

Your Mind and Your Relationship

If your brain is causing you to feel negative emotions toward your partner, odds are that this will lead to a loss of intimacy and sexual desire. This can be a warning sign of the beginning of the end; however, it does take two to make a lasting relationship. To overcome this problem, you have to ask yourself what the underlying cause of your negative thoughts and feelings truly is and get those issues out in the open. Even if verbalizing your concerns leads to some tension in the beginning, it is best to try to open the door of communication. You cannot solve a problem if it remains silent. Sex and emotions go hand in hand, and if your thoughts and emotions are interfering with the intimacy between you and you partner, it is time to seek help and solve the problem or time to reevaluate your long-term plans for the relationship.

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